i'm sorry. i really am.
i know you, and i also know that you're going to be busy -- you'll function through all of your business, but you'll probably have to put aside these feelings to do that. you might move into a fresh state of being where you forget this happened for a while, but that doesn't mean it's resolved. it means the opposite, actually, and that doesn't make either of us feel good. beyond that, you deserve someone close to you who wants you to feel better after something happens to make you feel bad, so i hope that this can provide a little bit of relief to you in this very stressful time.

i haven't made a blingee since i was 15 years old, so i guess that's a good number to come in on this from. i know it's small, but i hope you think it's pretty, and i hope you can feel some of the emotions i put into it. i made it just for you, and just for this page.

"well, what are you sorry for? you can't just say you're sorry or do this and expect it to go away." yeah, that's true, and i don't expect it to go away immediately. that's not the point. i've been reflecting on everything you said, and i've come to the understanding that i can't be truly considerate even just in conversation without listening to you intently. if i make a mistake, i can still be considerate of you and be open to your feelings about it and, in turn, apologize for hurting those feelings. i think that, in the end, based on what you've told me in the past, that's what you really want most. i can't un-make a mistake, but i can be apologetic and resolve not to do it again. i didn't really do either of those things this time, and this has happened more than once.

i think the problem with my behavior, and a pattern i now see when we fight (or even a pattern that causes fights in the first place), is that i get scared and defensive when we argue or when i fuck up and do something to hurt your feelings or stress you out, whatever the reason, so even though my apologies come from a genuine place, i feel the need to come to my own defense. instead of defending myself, i should just be listening to you in that moment. i can't do both at the same time, and when you're presenting me your feelings, the focus should be entirely on YOU. i can guess at the reason why this happens, but that's not relevant to this letter and is not your responsibility or within your capacity to fix. i need to do that on my own time, and i'm fully aware that while the reasons do matter to me, they do not exempt me from blame for my actions, or for how those actions hurt you. it's never okay for anything i do to make you this upset, no matter the reason why, and me writing this out is not me trying to say or imply that i am exempt from blame becayse of xyz reason. this is me saying that the blame DOES rest on me because of a behavioral flaw that needs to be corrected, and that i now plainly see in myself. i understand now that this is specifically what needs to get fixed, and i'll talk to darrell about it, but more than anything it's made things very clear to me in a way that they weren't before.

identifying what i was doing wrong on my own time has made it click completely about how this must feel for you. in the past, i think i just ran from these things as soon as they were resolved, because i was tired and i didn't want to dwell or reflect on it more because it was painful. i'm sure you can understand where i'm coming from, but it hasn't been conducive for healthy communication or respect between us, and it isn't okay. in reflecting on it now, i can see that in the times where my perspective has been, "i'm trying to defend myself and my character from [your feelings about a particular situation] because i don't want him to think i like hurting him/think that i'm a bad person", your perspective is, "i keep trying to tell him how i feel, but all he does is ignore it and talk about himself and whatever justification he has for hurting me". that sounds like a horrible thing to have to think and feel, and you've (probably, i'm only assuming) felt this every single time this has happened. that's not okay, at all. saying it's "not okay" is a huge understatement, but i don't really know the words to describe how bad it is. it's just shitty and unfair and you deserve so much better.

it's difficult to see things clearly when we're in the middle of an argument, and i think there are a lot of reasons for that. one is that when we experience conflict together, both of our emotions get very intense, and both of us frequently use emotionally charged language to communicate how we feel. for example, if you do something that hurts my feelings, and i say, "you don't care about me at all", that's an attack on your character and all of your past actions where you have shown me that you care greatly, and it ignores all of the sacrifices you have made to show that you do, whether they be sacrifices of your time, your energy, or your personal freedom. saying "you don't care about me at all" is a statement based completely in emotion that isn't true and that can make you feel angry, hurt, or defensive (among other things). this isn't constructive for the conversation, and it's also not respectful to what you do do to care for me and support me. if i were to take the time to meter out my emotional responses to the problem and communicate the sentiment of being uncared for as a feeling and not a truth, and you were to listen to that before presenting in turn how you felt, things would be a lot less painful for both of us -- this isn't what happened this time, and it's not fully equivalent for a few reasons (this example is based on a delusional response, which is not what you gave), but it's something that came up when i was thinking through this whole thing and all of the pieces that surround it, because it's something we've both done in the past. this time, the problem was that i reacted too emotionally to your behavior. i should have calmed down and reminded myself it wasn't personal and just apologized without going on and on. it didn't make either of us feel good.

again: this is not your fault. it's just an example of a larger pattern i've seen in our relationship as well as in my own interactions with other people in the past. in this case, you were trying to communicate how you felt, and instead of listening, i got caught up in defending myself because i reacted emotionally, and didn't hear you out as a result. that's on me, not on you.

i should have been a better listener. i (feel like i) didn't understand, but i know to you it must just feel like you were being ignored. we've had this conversation so many times. i feel terrible for making you feel so unheard every time we went through this, and if i'm right that that's what's been happening, i am unbelievably sorry. whatever we call our relationship, i'm the one person who should be best at hearing you, and i should be the first to own up to doing something that upsets you. i understand why my explanations in most cases make you feel like you're not allowed to feel whatever it is you feel, but my own personal insecurities compelled me to keep explaining. this isn't your fault, and you deserve to be heard and not feel caged emotionally by what i feel the need to say. you're your own person, you have the inalienable personal right to not be responsible for the emotions of others. i'm going to talk to darrell and get his opinion like you said, because he'll probably be able to help me understand how to be better.

so, what am i sorry for?

i'm sorry for:
- not truly listening to you, this time and in general; it's rude and insensitive and unfair to you as a conversation partner and as part of an intimate relationship.
- not taking responsibility for my actions and/or how they impact your feelings and mental state; they're my actions, not yours, and they need to be understood accordingly.
- having this conversation over and over and not getting it (also a form of not listening to you); it's inconsiderate of the time and energy you put into verbalizing your emotions, which i know takes a lot of effort and is something you do very sincerely.
- worrying more about myself than your feelings; i should listen to you and be attentive to your feelings when you're upset rather than being selfish and defaulting to protecting myself.
- upsetting you in the first place by not communicating to you about the ticket; whatever my intentions were, it was still wrong to not tell you the second it happened.

you don't have to forgive me right away. the "point" of this is not self-preservation, it's an honest look at my own behavior and wrongdoing and it's me taking responsibility. i understand that your feelings about what happened are very severe, and i also understand that that's because this is about my actions in the past as well. this has happened multiple times and it's not okay and no one would blame you for still feeling the anger and sense of betrayal and disgust that i imagine you're feeling right now. i don't expect this to cure anything, but of course i hope it makes you feel a little bit better. i love you and i know you might not feel like you're very important to me, but you are, and i hope this letter and the other features of this page can communicate that to you as the precursor to my better actions in the future.

i know this is a lot of words, so i want to give you an idea of what i'm going to do to do better. this is all i can come up with myself before asking for advice, but it's something. i'm going to do better to be calm in conversation with you when it does get intense by utilizing the coping skills i'm learning, i'm going to talk to my therapist, i'm going to be more considerate of your feelings in the first place, i'm going to be more attentive in any conversation we do have so i can better respect your personal needs and boundaries, and i'm going to try and reflect more on my role in conflicts after they happen as opposed to just putting them out of my head so i can be more realistic about my own behavior and how it influences the way we interact.

if you want to talk, just message me. i miss you and i'll be waiting for you to come back. i hope this has helped you understand that i'm sorry and that i've thought about my actions. i apologize for not realizing sooner. you've been far more patient than i deserve, and i can't begin to express how grateful i am for that. thank you for reading this far. i love you.